BAND BIO

BAND BIO OF THE DIAMOND SEAGULLS – BACK IN YOUR TIME, BABY

The legendary glam rockers Diamond Seagulls were on the edge of breaking huge in ’83. On the eve of their life-changing world tour, the master tape of their brand-new album somehow landed on the desk of U.S. President Ronald Reagan. The top brass at the Pentagon freaked, convinced this record could shake the very foundations of Western civilization. That was a risk they just couldn’t take.
So they hatched one hell of a dirty plan.

Deep inside CIA labs, a top-secret “Super Unit” was messing with a portal designed to open gateways into parallel dimensions. Perfect way to make the Seagull problem disappear. The mastermind behind the wormhole, Wei-Tu Kold, used to design industrial refrigerators for AEG back in the day – which might explain why the damn thing looked exactly like a fridge.

CIA agents planted the fridge-portal inside the legendary Rainbow Bar on the Sunset Strip, right in the Seagulls’ private pool-and-party zone.
Even though that night would end the band’s story as the world knew it, their wild abduction would later inspire the 1989 cult flick Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure.
It was at the Rainbow in the ’80s that the Seagulls also partied with legends like Lenny Killfister, Axel Rosen, Vince Nail, and Tommy Lee Jonas.

EVIDENCE A – THE BAIT

From deep in the CIA’s classified files came the original photo of the infamous slice of pizza that lured Jizzy Bellionaire.

DIAMOND SEAGULLS & A BACKSTABBING PLAN

The CIA went straight for the Achilles heel. Or rather, the bottomless stomach of drummer Jizzy Bellionaire. As bait, they slipped a slice of anchovy pizza into the half-open fridge. The glistening, greasy masterpiece was irresistible. Jizzy, fresh off dodging a police raid at the Rainbow and still in handcuffs, leaned forward for a free midnight snack.

At that moment, the wormhole roared to life and sucked him in. Problem was, the fridge designer had outdated intel on the full range of Jizzy’s swinging hips. The portal was too damn narrow, and Jizzy got wedged tight, anchovies between his teeth, butt stuck in the frame.

The pizza evidence that trapped Diamond Seagulls

HAIR METAL VS. THE RISING GRUNGE WAVE

While Jizzy’s rear end was jammed in the fridge, the rest of the Seagulls were otherwise engaged in the… front rows of their female audience. They barely noticed their drummer’s crisis.
One of the Rainbow’s bartenders, Curt Cockain, was in on the CIA’s game. He sent Lance, Glitterball, and Chuck to “help” Jizzy. In exchange, the feds promised to back Curt’s little “grunge movement” and give it a push. You know how that ended.

SEAGULL DOWN – THE FALL OF THE BAND

When the guys rushed to save their drummer, Glitterball tripped on his untied laces, pulling Chuck and Lance down with him. All three crashing into Jizzy’s already monumental backside. The wormhole’s pull was now so intense it swallowed all four into the depths of the space-time continuum.

DIAMOND SEAGULLS – WILDEST 80s HAIR METAL LEGENDS

On October 13, 1983, something huge came to an end. But nothing can keep these crazy birds down.
When the portal reopened 35 years later, the Diamond Seagulls landed right back in reality. To them, it felt like a lost weekend of booze and blackout — but for the world, their return was nothing short of a blessing.

RETURN OF THE DIAMOND SEAGULLS – THE VIDEO

A random security cam caught the exact moment the Diamond Seagulls arrived back in our time.

THE RETURN OF GLAM ROCK

Since the Diamond Seagulls touched down, there’s been a serious spike in long-haired dudes, women proudly repping their love for metal, and bands finally writing killer songs again. The Seagulls’ influence? Oh, you bet.
No other glam rock band wears the crown, and the eyeliner, quite like the Diamond Seagulls.

to be cotinued…